An older Covington doctor talking to two of his older female patients who were complaining about various ailments, aches and pains. Taking into account their ages and probabilities, he replied to them with a somewhat consoling yet inevitable outcome “you are crumbling on schedule.” Oops.
A man (he) and a woman (she), long time partners, in an argument….He: “I’m not saying you are wrong”...She: “well, thanks…. He: “I’m just saying you are not right!”
So... the frontal lobe does not mature fully until the age of 25. It is responsible for high -level executive functions, language, emotions, reasoning, planning, organizing,and problem-solving. Teenagers are partly there yet not completely developed. So... I imagined Satan rubbing his hands together in glee… “Ah, teenagers…easy pickins !”. Teens, be careful!
At my hairdresser... “I don’t wanna look like a crazy ole lady.” “Well, you can BE one, just don’t have to LOOK like one!”
A woman friend “When I meet someone for the first time, I try not to insult them right off the bat; but he insulted my southern accent! so I had to retaliate!”
Three ladies in a car, headed out of town. Brenda to Sandra... “You’re the navigator.” Sandra “Great... where are we going?” All three laughed.
“Expect temptation until your last breath.” Saint Anthony the Great (251- 356, lived to be 105!) Yeah, I feel as though he is saying that DIRECTLY TO ME!
When I visit the cemetery, I say at the entrance. “Rest in peace, stay in there! please don’t follow me home, as I have enough trouble with the living, as it is!”
At a major trial in the courtroom of a famous southern judge, several prominent Atlanta attorneys were in attendance at this contested trial. That day was this cantankerous judge’s actual 80th birthday, his retirement party, and his last day in court, so he was a mixed bag of emotions. One of the Atlanta band of lawyers screwed up the courage to speak for his cohorts. “Your Honor, Judge XYZ, with all due respect we would like to wish you a Happy 80th birthday today, SIR!” (Almost a military salutation.) …then a little tremulously “how does it FEEL to be 80 ? does it feel good?” Judge snorted out huffily… “Hell NO… it feels like I’m 40 with something gone BAD wrong!”
“No… It’s not ABC, NBC or CBS or CNN or MSNBC or FOX; its SGN!!! I heard it on SGN! “Pray tell, what is SGN?” don’t you know…? It’s the Southern Gossip Network; it’s fast and furious, reliable and totally unreliable.
At a large Home Depot in Clayton, as you walked in the door (near Halloween) a 9-foot-tall skeleton with moving arms and legs and glowing red eyes greeted you with speech. I stopped to check it out. The clerks told me, “You can program YOUR voice on it; say whatever you want!” When I said “I know what I would say” … (if it were at my house)… “Get the **** outta my yard!” With that, those ladies bent over howling with laughter. Then I resounded with … “Yeah…, and we’re outta candy too!” Encore laughter.
One day a scruffy dog turned up at my friend’s home. They decided … “her daddy was a door -to- door salesman and her momma a streetwalker, so we named her Gypsy.”
“Oh, that’s a CUTE sweater!” I was wearing an oversized sweater on a very cold day. “Thanks, I’ve had it 15 years, didn’t wear it cause it made me look fat. Now that I AM fat… I can wear it.”
My brother saw this painted on a country barn in two-foot-tall letters. NO GOD NO PEACE…KNOW GOD KNOW PEACE. He also saw a bar sign in Colorado… “If you are drinking to forget, please pay in advance.”
“If Walmart ain’t got it...I don’t need it!” my old neighbor, Larry.
“How long does it take to die? (a woman on her deathbed). I can’t wait to meet my Maker!”
“Be curious, not judgmental.” Various sources…? Walt Whitman, a1986 high school guidance counselor, Ted Lasso
“Having power means nothing if you don’t use it for others.” Paul Newman (gave away over 600 million to charity).
“Mr. Loose-lips (local) talks like he’s a southern politician on a secret mission!”
The man who towed my car to repair, when I asked him “are y’all the best?” He replied proudly … “We ain’t the best… but there’s none better!”
“A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” poster at a weight loss clinic. A woman piped up “Well…if that isn’t food for thought, lol. It sounds like an incentive, but when it’s going over your lips...that’s all you can think about.”
I volunteered to pick up a friend’s dry cleaning; at a place I did not know. I called them “Where are you located?” He said, “next to Waffle House.” (there are six in Newton County). I asked, “can you give me another landmark?” he said, “ there’s a McDonald’s” (there are eight) That really narrowed it down! “Anything else?” “Near gas station”.
“Ain’t no snow stoppin this show!” when a light snowfall began falling.
“I give you a new commandment: Love one another as I have loved you.” Jesus
Peace, Love, Carol
Carol Veliotis is a local columnist for The Covington News. She can be reached at carol.veliotis@gmail.com.
