By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
Horoscope warns of nudity
Placeholder Image

Many people believe in horoscopes and that astrology controls their fate.

While I respect these folks' personal beliefs, I don't really buy into it. When I asked my Magic 8-Ball if astrology has any bearing on our lives, it said, "My sources say no."

Whatever your beliefs, there are few men, women, or household pets alive who haven't once scanned, or urinated on, a newspaper horoscope. For the record, I've done both.

At a newspaper I worked at long ago, I was the person responsible for placing the horoscopes in the paper.

One day, the horoscopes did not arrive as scheduled. They were somehow scrambled in the modem from the company of prophets that sent them to us daily. Perhaps, if I had checked my horoscope the day before, I would have seen that coming.

Anyway, under the siege of deadline, I grabbed the horoscope from the day before, borrowed from its verbiage, spiced it up a little, and basically wrote the horoscope that day myself.

It went as follows:

ARIES: Stress independence, neutrality, eagerness. Don't wear brown shoes. They make your ankles look like tree stumps.

TAURUS: You will find laughter today. Unfortunately, it will be at your expense. Check zipper periodically.

GEMINI: Pisces plays prominent role in transaction. Watch out for naked busdriver. He can't be trusted.

CANCER: Remember - to get a smile, you must give a smile. Man with hat wants to kill you.

LEO: Utilize your people skills to win new friends. You will not hear something very important due to ear wax buildup.

VIRGO: Close relative is in need of your advice. You'll be chosen for the lead role in "The Man from LaMancha."

LIBRA: Temperamental Leo says, "You sure are lucky to know me!" You'll knock him upside the head with a paint bucket.

SCORPIO: Attention revolves around domestic situation. Whatever you do - don't go outside.

SAGITTARIUS: Former teacher will play a role. She now works for the IRS. Deny everything. That pink stuff in your attic is not cotton candy - don't eat it.

CAPRICORN: Lunar aspect coincides with physical attraction, participation in creative endeavor, whatever that means. Horshack from "Welcome Back Kotter" plays role.

AQUARIUS: Emphasis on financial power, marital status, Viking food. Watch sky for falling anvil.

PISCES: Absolutely nothing will happen to you today.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TODAY: Scorpio, Taurus persons play outstanding role in your life. Attitude toward others undergoes transformation due to incident with left-handed rake.

During coming year, you will meet long-lost sibling you didn't know you had (Hint: He works at Shoney's). You will be one year older today than you were yesterday. Close relative will make call to you. Cake plays prominent role.

As astrology would have it, a couple of days later, I (of the astrological sign Cancer) did have a man with a hat who wanted to kill me.

He was a Virgo and was rather upset that he didn't get the lead role in "The Man from LaMancha."

Len Robbins is editor and publisher of The Clinch County News.