As I write this, I’m recovering from my first fall football weekend of 2025. With the Atlanta Braves nestled near the cellar of the National League East, my weekends are now spent watching touchdowns and tackles. Well, not so much with my Alabama Crimson Tide. Former coach Nick Saban has apparently hidden the TD/tackle playbook somewhere inside his VRBO condo.
When I was growing up, there were two college football games on TV each Saturday, and two NFL games on Sunday. Now, you can watch every team and every sport around the clock. If you try, you can probably find the chess team at Mount Holyoke (nicknamed Mo Ho), a women’s college in Massachusetts, on TV. I can hear the chess cheerleaders now: “2-4-6-8! Who do we appreciate? “Mo Ho, Checkmate!”
With all of these games, the demand has grown for more sports announcers. At one time, sportscasting was a family business, handed down from generation to generation, much like car dealerships. The Carays, the Bucks, the Brennamans, the Alberts and others simply inherited the headset. But the explosion of games on cable and streaming services has forced the hiring of voices from outside those family trees.
I won’t say the quality of game calling has fallen, but I do hear some doozies on the lower-tier college football games. Like the duo that was going over “the keys to victory.” One asked the other, “Any prediction on this one, Durwood?” His partner replied, “Well, Harve, I think it will come down to whichever team scores the most points.” Finally! None of those boring, drawn-out lectures about nickel packages, pooch punts, and squib kicks. Just good ol’ common sense.
The networks somehow squeeze in the 60 minutes of actual game time into a 5-hour window that includes pre-game, post-game, halftime highlights, 42 shots of petite female cheerleaders nervously smiling while standing on the shoulders of their male counterparts, dozens of shirtless fans showing off their war paint in sub-freezing weather, and 63 commercials from the insurance company that recently doubled your rates.
There are also countless instances of a defensive player suddenly losing the ability to walk after 3 straight long gains by the opposing team. This is when a huge linebacker dramatically falls to the ground, clutching his knee, delaying the other team’s momentum. Displaying the acting skills of Daniel Day-Lewis, he walks gingerly to the sideline, undergoes a 2-minute knee replacement surgery, and then miraculously returns at full speed after missing just one play. The announcers tell us the referees are cracking down on these blatant acts of deception. That means we will never see this bad behavior again, for at least five minutes.
In the meantime, the announcers must fill the time during and between plays, often referring to their well-worn cliché collection, repeating the phrases we all know and loathe.
“Scooter, this team came to play! They want to shock the world. It’s all hands on deck. This offense is going to put on a show. Starting quarterback Strong Man Manning got hurt last week, so it’s next man up. His backup, Bullseye Brady, says he is ready to step up. He’s a team player with a strong work ethic, and they love him in the locker room.”
“Absolutely, Cletus! Can you feel the electricity? Listen to this crowd! They call this a game of inches, and the numbers don’t lie, but you can’t always trust the statistics. We’ve got a team with some offensive firepower, up against a defense that bends, but never breaks.”
“Let’s go down on the field to our sideline reporter. You’ve talked to the coaches, Sparkle, what’s the vibe down there?”
“Well, Scoot, Coach Hardnose says his team has chemistry. They’re just taking it one game at a time, giving 110 percent, and he says the players are on the same page. As for Coach Roughneck, his team is hungry. They know how to win, and they’re finally getting the respect they deserve.”
Finally, the game begins, and the quarterback gets sacked. “He’s slow getting up,” the announcer says. Now, THAT I can relate to, as I exit the recliner in search of more snacks. So long, everybody!
David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his latest book is “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat,” available from his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Rd, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.
