Legend has it that the late, great James Brown, after leading police on a high-speed, two-state car chase that ended at a friend's residence, explained his behavior to police with the following gem: "I'm sorry. I didn't see y'all. I was just going to my friend's house."
Unfortunately, the law doesn't give you credit for creativity in explaining your lawlessness.
I was reminded of this recently when reading about Tatum O'Neal's drug-related arrest. The actress - who has admitted past drug addictions - was arrested in New York City after allegedly buying crack cocaine from a homeless street vendor. When arrested, she reportedly told police she was "doing research for a part." Sure she was - for the Lifetime movie, "The Tatum O'Neal Story."
Lifetime, for your information, is the "television network for women" that only shows programming where women are being beaten up or are addicted to drugs, alcohol or horrible men.
But celebrities aren't the only ones who can come up with imaginative explanations for their improprieties. A quick perusal of the day's news illustrates inspirations for all forms of transgressions.
Take a sip:
An Arizona man was caught on tape robbing a convenience store. When he was nabbed for the crime, and shown the videotaped evidence, he claimed the crime was the work of his "evil twin brother."
Ah, a Scooby Doo disciple. There was no mention of a haunted house acting as a front for organized crime, though.
In Estonia, which I believe to be a country, or perhaps some type of "male enhancement" drug, a man who was arrested for drunk driving claimed it was OK because "driving is something I enjoy, and I am in fact very good at it."
Two things I failed to mention: His blood-alcohol level was two and a half times over the legal limit to drive, and the first part of the quoted sentence is: "Despite the fact that I am blind."
A friend who was drunker than he was giving our blind driver directions from the passenger seat.
A 17-year-old New Jersey girl pulled over for DWI told police she blew a .15 blood alcohol level not because she had been drinking, but because she kissed a drunk boy.
Authorities began to question her account when they found four full beer bottles under her seat and an empty beer can in her purse.
I picture Valerie Bertinelli playing the drunk girl in the Lifetime original, "Kiss of Breath."
According to an Associated Press story, an Iowa man caught with a large amount of marijuana said he was going to use his weed just for recycling.
The police report states the man told authorities he was planning to turn several large bags of marijuana into compost, and not into smoke.
Those crazy hippies.
From the Buffalo News: "Police were called to a Pierce Avenue home early Sunday on a report that a woman accidently walked into a knife."
According to the story, the woman's boyfriend claimed they were "horsing around" and the woman walked into a knife lying on a counter.
I see Melissa Gilbert starring in the Lifetime original, "The Accidental Knife: The Lillian Barnasky Story."
Check your local listings.
Len Robbins is editor and publisher of The Clinch County News.