Like a lot of you, I’m trying to lose weight. But all the advice I’ve come across so far has just been a pack of lies. Let me tell you about three that have really been hard on my bathroom scale.

"You should walk more often" — This one galls me, but I tried it anyway. I walked outside and picked up a package that had just been delivered. When I came back inside, I walked over to my wife and handed it to her. You would think I would be thinner after all that walking, wouldn’t you? No. The package contained a box of chocolates from our friends in Virginia, and I have a safety rule that says, "I must personally inspect all chocolate delivered through the mail." Walk more often... yeah, to get fatter. Oh, the chocolate was perfectly fine. Yes. It was.

"Order a dry baked potato with butter and sour cream on the side" — I did this by the book: "Gimme a baked potato with all the stuff on the side." Then, as I was eating my salad, the waitress stopped by and said, "I’m so sorry, but we’ve run out of baked potatoes. Would you be willing to try mashed potatoes instead?" I must have looked pretty glum because she also said, "And to make up for it, you can have dessert, on the house." Well, I have a rule that you never turn down anything that’s ‘on the house.’" I had to eat a 2,000 calorie ice-cream-topped brownie, just because I ordered a dry baked potato. But, it was free, and I have my rules.

"Don’t eat so fast!" — This one’s a classic lie. I was eating out with the family a few weeks ago, and we were eating very slowly. The waitress had delivered our drinks, but it had been 30 minutes and we still didn’t have our food. That’s really slow eating, isn’t it? Then the manager came over and said, "I’m terribly sorry your entrees are taking so long. We’ve been busy in the kitchen, and to make up for it, we’re going to let you have dessert, on the house." Did I mention my rule about "on the house" food? OK. I was just checking.

I figure these three weight loss tips have added five pounds to my middle section. Maybe you’ll have better luck, but if I take anymore advice like this, I might just explode.