Hi guys! I’m taking a cue from the fast-food industry, and offering you some pre-packaged New Year’s resolutions that you can serve up steaming hot. You won’t even have to think about what you’re saying since I’ve picked stuff that’s probably already landed you in big trouble during 2010.
Resolution: “I’ll stop being a slob.” I’ll bet you have a nasty pile of red-mud-covered “outdoor” clothes in your bathroom. You said you’d wash them in 2010, but that didn’t happen and now a wasp has built a nest in your underwear. Since nothing from 2010 fits you anymore, don’t even bother with the washer and dryer routine. Just fill a garbage bag with the dirty clothes and wasps, head to the dump, and then visit Sears for a complete new wardrobe so you can mow the grass in style in 2011.
Resolution: “I’ll stop wasting money.” You spent twenty bucks on a 300 count bottle of multivitamins, took them for exactly three days, and then hid the bottle in a wasp nest in your bathroom when the expiration date passed. But your wife found them anyway and said, “There are 297 expired vitamins in this bottle! Do you think money grows on trees?” Well, she’s got a point about money not growing on trees, but don’t let her know I said that. Just resolve to buy smaller, cheaper bottles and then do a better job hiding them in 2011. It’s not like you’re actually going to remember to take your vitamins, so stop wasting trees... I mean money.
Resolution: “I’ll stop procrastinating.” Back when Bush was in office, you gutted your shower with the intention of having it professionally repaired that same week; but you forgot about it for a few years and now the shower repairman won’t go near your bathroom until you get rid of that buzzing pile of underwear. Well, it’s time to finally make that shower repair happen. You owe it to your wife for all those nasty wasp stings she endured while berating you about those expired vitamins.
So there you are. If these three resolutions don’t work for your particular case, then you can always resolve to stop taking advice from me. I have a feeling a lot of wives would like to hear their husbands make that particular resolution.
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers, can be reached at davmccoy@bellsouth.