I know what you disappointed Osmond-loving women are thinking: If you guys expect life to match what you see on TV, you deserve what you get. Sure, we know that. But we can't help it. Many of our male notions of marriage are subconsciously derived from sitcoms. Take these examples as proof:
• On every single episode, Darrin was a jerk, but Samantha would just smile, kiss him, and make his favorite dinner. When you're a jerk, do you get kisses and your favorite dinner? I didn't think so. But you might get a cold blueberry muffin, if you're lucky.
• Samantha would bow to Darrin's every irrational wish and run errands like hired help. Then she would smile, kiss him, and make his favorite dinner again. Did I say a whole muffin earlier? I meant half a muffin -half a cold blueberry muffin. That's what you'll get to eat if you treat your wife like Darrin treated Samantha.
• Samantha could work magic by twitching her nose. I understand now that most real wives can't do that. That was a real shocker to me. I guess I got lucky on that because my wife can smile and get me to do anything. That's magic.
I could go on about how completely naïve we 1960s guys were and how some of us see it all too clearly now. Yes, looking back, we should have ignored Samantha Stephens and treated her as just a silly character in a silly show. Looking back now, I know exactly what we should've done. We should've spent more time with those "Petticoat Junction" gals. Bobbie Jo was so much more realistic as a role model for modern marriage, and I bet she never served anyone a cold blueberry muffin.
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers. He can be reached at email@example.com.