For years, I put off learning how to cook because I was afraid it was going to be really hard and require a lot of thinking. But, over the past couple of months, I’ve learned that I can make my way around in the kitchen with my brain almost completely shut off. If you’re a guy like me and you’re wondering, "What’s so hard about operating a blender," let me share some of the things I’ve learned about cooking. You ladies might want to skip to the sports section right about now. The following advice might not be completely accurate, but I think it’s close enough for the guys.

First, the best plates and silverware are usually locked up in what’s called a "china cabinet." You’ll probably have to pick the lock, but it’s definitely worth it. Those coffee cups aren’t chipped like the regular ones you’ve been getting, and there’s nothing cooler than serving sloppy Joes on an antique canapé plate, whatever that is. Just don’t use any of the plates that are hanging on the wall. No one past the age of ten should have to eat lunch off a cat’s face.

Next, ignore any recipe books you might trip over. Recipe books are OK for accountants, but since when have you started reading instructions? Remember that lawn tractor you put together last summer — the one that lost a wheel? Do you think you would’ve had all that crazy zigzaging fun in September if you’d followed the instructions in June? If you’re going to cook, be creative. I don’t recommend mixing tuna and popcorn, but if you do, you can’t use the regular microwave settings. It won’t taste right at all.

Finally, if it smells good, use it! You’ll probably find a whole mother lode of spices in one of the kitchen drawers. Your spices won’t be under lock and key like those canapé plates, but they should be. Wear one of those disposable face masks they sell down at the hardware store, and if you spill half a box of cayenne pepper in what you’re cooking, try to fish out as much as you can. If you don’t, I promise you’ll be banned from the kitchen for at least a year. For those of you trying to get banned from the kitchen, Kroger has a pretty good selection of pepper, and a box should last you exactly 24 months, if you know what I mean.