I never watched his TV show, “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader,” but I’ve always liked Jeff Foxworthy, especially since he’s a Georgia Tech man. We Tech guys think we’re pretty smart, but tonight I wasn’t so sure how I’d stack up against one of those 5th graders. You see, I was driving home, and I drove right past my house. I suppose — on one hand — I’m smarter than a 5th grader, because I can drive a car. Let’s see a little kid do that. But, a 5th grader would be smart enough to say, “Hey! That’s our house you just drove by!” I had to drive around the neighborhood twice to find it. Don’t snicker. It was dark, I’d been away for a few days, it’s a new town, and I’ve only lived here for two months. Did I mention I know how to drive a car with a stick shift and a clutch? I think I should get a point for that.
The next thing that made me question how I’d compare to one of those kids was even more embarrassing. Children don’t get to 5th grade without learning their phone numbers and addresses. They’re even tested on this. OK, let me stop you before you completely laugh out loud. I know my phone number! I just can’t seem to remember my address. It’s a new town, and I’ve only lived here for two months. Wait, I’ve already used that excuse, haven’t I? Let’s just say it was dark, and I was busy shifting gears. Besides, it’s not like I can’t figure out my address. Just the other day, I had to get something shipped to the house, so I said, “Hmmm... I bet my wife knows where we live.” She did. She knew the whole address! My wife is amazing. I don’t think too many 5th graders have been smart enough to get married, have they? That’s probably another point for me.
I’m just going to assume I’m smarter than a 5th grader, simply because I can do things they can’t do. I don’t know any 5th graders who can fix their own plumbing or find a really good deal on new tires. So until I see a 5th grader and his wife buying a new hot water heater and a set of Michelin tires — on sale — I’m going to assume I’m still in the lead.
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers and can be reached at email@example.com.