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How to act right

It’s the season for fairs and fall festivals, for spending time outside at festive events. But how many times have you attended one of these events only to be amazed at the other patrons? Those cursing, fighting (or fightin’) folks whose Mama’s obviously didn’t teach them to act right.

It’s funny – to a point – until you get your kid in the car and they treat you to some ultra-colorful language they learned while in the line for caramel apples. Cause I’ll tell you one thing – those orange Guido’s on Jersey Shore have nothing on a hillbilly, tipsy on Boone’s Farm and mad at the price of tickets for the Ferris wheel.

We’ve all got that in us though, the predilection for white-trashery. And since we’ll all be enjoying this lovely season together, here’s a few tips to do it right, and not end up in a fist fight in the parking lot, or doing a stint at county because someone cut in line for the pony rides.

It would be fantastic if I could just advise you to act right and everyone took that advice, but we all know that’s not happening. So the number one rule is Don’t get liquored up. I’m not saying that if you’re out with your friends you shouldn’t have a drink. But the fall festival doesn’t serve booze for a reason. Because they know someone is going to have too many PBRs and act a fool.

Another smart move is to Keep it Comfortable. You know why those little gnomes on Jersey Shore fight so much? I have a theory; it’s because they are so uncomfortable with their high heels and tight clothes, and enough makeup on that you can smell their face through the television set, that they’re bound to be irritable. When you’re irritable you want to fight, so keep it comfy so you can keep it classy. And that’s classy with a C, not a K, people!

Know your prices is a good thing to remember as well. Are tickets expensive to the fair? Yes. Does it cost money to pick your own apples? Of course. Are pig races ridiculously priced? Absolutely. But you know this going in, so mind your money or stay yourself at home. I’ve resigned myself to paying $30 for my son and I to watch pig racing at the apple orchard. I think it’s too expensive, but I want to do it, so I’ll make it happen. You can complain to the people selling tickets all you want, but these folks make minimum wage and are in no position to barter. And even if they own the whole joint, the price is the price, so suck it up, buttercup. I don’t want to hear you try to haggle and I don’t want to wait while you hold up the line with your own special version of logic. Move it along.

The last helpful hint I’m going to give you will make everyone around you like you a whole lot more – whether you’re in a line at Walmart or at a fair at Legion Field. Take control of your babies! They might be 4 or they might be 14, but there’s no excuse for screaming, throwing, cutting in line, cursing – yes, from 4-year-old’s, I’ve seen it – or otherwise acting like wild gorillas. If your kid cuts in line, I’m going to say something. If your kid curses you out, and my kid starts throwing out swear words, I will hunt you down

If you mind yourself there’s absolutely no reason you can’t totally enjoy all these wonderful outdoor activities with your family and with other people. But make sure you realize that other people want to enjoy them too. If I wanted to hang out with the Honey Boo Boo clan I would move to south Georgia, so don’t bring that mess to me. . Kids are going to be wild and loud and excited, and that’s totally okay, but acting like total fools is not, so keep them in check, or you and I might end up in the parking lot.