Now settle down! I didn’t say there was anything wrong with The South; I just have some ideas for a few improvements here and there. Put down that fire place poker, listen up, and see what you think. If you agree with me, we can get a petition going and send it up to the governor’s mansion in time for Christmas.

First, bubble gum should be outlawed. Singapore did it and I think we should too. I’ve stepped on or sat in too many gum droppings around here, and I’m tired of scraping my shoes, carpet and pants. Since people use our sidewalks as their personal spittoons, I’m all for a statewide ban. If we can’t ban gum, then let’s ban gum chewers... or sidewalks.

Speaking of nasty sidewalks, I believe dogs should be required to wear clothes. Sure, there are already some folks who dress up their dogs, but I think it should be a statewide law, not just some midtown Atlanta trend. Not only would it be more sanitary and dignified, but could you imagine the new jobs we would create? We need new jobs, even if some of them are located in midtown.

Speaking of creating new jobs, we need more cafeterias. Every citizen in our fair state should have access to a full service cafeteria within five miles of his or her house. It’s getting harder and harder to find the old-fashioned cafeterias like many of us grew up with. Cafeterias are the backbone of the South. Everyone needs to experience the exhilarating feeling of being the youngest diner in a building full of geezers munching on corn muffins and collard greens. Remember, cafeterias serve fresh, hot vegetables, and they don’t allow dogs. Not even well-dressed ones.

Finally, I would make ice cream freezer ownership mandatory. Kennesaw made gun ownership mandatory, so there’s already a legal precedent. Instead of guns and ammo, each household should be required to own a hand-cranked freezer, a dozen eggs, a pound of sugar, and some vanilla extract. Most people already have ice, milk and salt, so we won’t write that into law. However, we might require anyone living in midtown to own chocolate syrup. That’s only fair. After all, they’re going to have lots of spare cash from all those new jobs we’re going to create, and there’s only so much money you can spend in a cafeteria, even if you’re a big shot who orders dessert and coffee.

David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers, can be reached at davmccoy@bellsouth.net.