It is my firm policy that all members in my conglomerate of companies must receive their COVID-19 shots or risk losing the generous perks offered them as employees. These include occasional weekends off (without pay), discounts on zither lessons, signed photographs of me kneeling during the playing of “Ramblin’ Wreck from You-Know-Where-Institute of Technology,” and the book, “The Best of Northern Cuisine” (one page) among other morale boosters.
As the leader it is, of course, incumbent on me to lead the way. I had no negative reaction to either shot, except I forgot to tell the nurse that I am allergic to latex and after pulling off the little spot bandage following my second shot, my shoulder nearly exploded and threatened to sue me for glenohumeral joint cruelty.
Among the many organizations that make up my conglomerate is the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, and best known for publishing the much-respected Round or Square Polls (“You provide the dough and we’ll cook the numbers.”) Junior E. Lee is the general manager.
As you know, Junior E. Lee is one of the most-respected media analysts in the nation as well as a certified pest control professional. That is a rare combination of skills. Yet, Junior is very modest when I offer him praise. He says whether it is a guy in a buffalo hat storming the U. S. Capitol or your run-of-the-mill Cabbage looper (Trichoplusia ni), a pest is a pest.
I asked Junior how the vaccinations were going at the workplace. He said he had gotten his shots although he didn’t think he needed to. He has inhaled enough malathion and permethrin over the years that he feels he is pretty much immune to anything from COVID-19 to calluses but Aunt Flossy Fulmer had told him to forget poking around in her drawers looking for fire ants unless he was fully vaccinated.
Junior said most of the staff had also been vaccinated and they wanted me to know how much they appreciated the discounted zither lessons. Several of them have gotten together and formed a Zither Club over in Stillmore. Nothing pleases me more than to see my employees happy as long as they remember they are expected to work weekends for the foreseeable future. No need to spoil them.
There is one small problem, Junior admitted. Thurlow Scruggs, the new hire who is responsible for crunching the numbers in our latest polls as well as maintaining our new gas-powered Tomahawk Turbo Boosted Backpack Mosquito Fogger and Leaf Blower, says he isn’t getting the shots.
Junior has warned Thurlow that with that kind of attitude he might be forgoing the opportunity to learn to master the zither and enjoy the camaraderie of the Stillmore Zither Club.
Thurlow said it doesn’t matter. He says he has been told by highly-placed sources in Greater Garfield that a microchip has been inserted in the vaccine and when you get the shot, the government can track you wherever you go, including to Aunt Flossy Fulmer’s house.
Junior said your cell phone can do that now. Thurlow says that is where Bill Gates got the idea. Hillary Clinton told him. Thurlow is sure he saw Gates loitering around the Hacienda De Gay International Airstrip in Garfield waiting for a shipment of microchips. Soon, the government will be able to tell who voted for Trump and will send us all to reeducation camps in Vermont.
Then it will be just a matter of time before the United Nations orders Satanic ritual worship and the harvesting of our organs by Democrats in Washington.
As for wearing a mask, Thurlow Scruggs says he isn’t doing that, either. He says his right to breathe unencumbered on his fellow citizens is protected by some amendment to the U. S. Constitution, if that document hasn’t already been destroyed by the CIA.
I ask Junior if Thurlow is maintaining social distancing as recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Junior said that was no problem. Even Arvel Ridley’s cows won’t come near the guy.
Why are we keeping him on the payroll, I asked. Junior says he is a whiz with numbers and keeps the mosquito sprayer in tip-top shape. Besides, Junior thinks it is just a matter of time before Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene brings Thurlow Scruggs to Washington. I think that is a splendid idea. One nutcase deserves another and I would save a lot of money on zither lessons.
Dick Yarbrough is an award-winning columnist. Reach him at email@example.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.