It takes a lot of guts or a lot of stupidity to bring up the topic of women's panty hose; but I'm going to do it anyway and address a simple wardrobe question to the ladies. "Women, how do you feel after you buy a brand new pair of panty hose and get a ruinous run in them before they're even a day old?" Has that happened to you, before? I hear that's a common experience you ladies face. You spend five or six bucks, you go about your daily business, you snag something, you look down and spot a huge hole, and you come home and toss your new purchase in the trash. Have I got that right? Does that sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.
Let me tell you how a guy copes with hosiery. I'm a guy, so I can speak to this. Guys wear socks. I prefer dark-gray wool ones that have a hint of Lycra to make them stay up. My wool socks last for years, sometimes decades. Yes, I said "decades." I was folding my laundry the other day, and I found a pair of wool socks that I've owned since 1990. I know it's strange that I can remember when I bought this pair of socks, but let's not go there, OK? These socks are 21 years old, and they still look great. Are you starting to get the picture? I own socks that are old enough to legally drink bourbon, and your panty hose can't make it through the day in one piece. I guess this just proves a point you've all been thinking all these years: Women got the short end of the stick in the hosiery department. It's not even close to being fair! I can buy a pair of nice wool socks for ten bucks and wear them for a decade. I will probably lose them before I wear them out. You have to make weekly trips to the grocery store, department store or drug store just to feed the panty hose beast another ripped pair.
There's not much I can do to make you feel better, other than to commiserate with you. I probably shouldn't have told you all this, but I felt a civic duty to say, "It's not your fault. The cards were stacked against you before you ever left home." You have my sympathies.
David McCoy can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org