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No Deal for government work
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For weeks, I awaited a call that never came from Gov.-elect Nathan Deal informing me that I would be a member of his transition team.

It could have been my fault. We have a thingamabob on our phone that blocks nuisance calls. There is a distinct possibility that it took it upon itself to assume that all politicians are a nuisance, too, thereby blocking a call from Deal

It is just as well I didn’t get selected for the transition team. They will soon be gone like snow in July.

Real power comes with heading one of the agencies, departments and authorities that populate state government like fleas on a yard dog. There has to be one that I could run if I could just talk to Deal.

Alas, I have already lost out on a number of state jobs for which I am eminently qualified, like executive director of the Georgia Environmental Finance Authority. That would have been a slam dunk. I live in Georgia. I recycle and I can balance my checkbook. Duh.

I was given no consideration for the Georgia Music Hall of Fame position even though I know the words to "Georgia on my Mind" by heart.

I missed out also on running the North Georgia Mountain Authority. That one hurt. I am an authority on the North Georgia Mountains. I sit on my back porch at Big Canoe and look at them a lot and can tell you with authority there are a lot of bears in those mountains. Bears will eat you if they get the chance. That’s why I stay on the back porch.

The Jekyll Island Authority would have been a great assignment for me, too. I could wear flip-flops to work and not have to worry about getting eaten by bears.

There are still a few jobs available in the state for which my skill sets are a perfect fit. My first choice would be the Go Fish, Georgia Authority. This organization would promote the legacy of Gov. George E. Perdue for having made Georgia a major player in the competitive international marketplace of the 21st century through fishing tournaments.

I am interested also in the job to head up the Commission to Keep Your #@^$&* Hands off Public Education. The commission will closely monitor self-serving politicians, dysfunctional school boards, make-work central office staffs and assorted education bureaucrats. Violators will be required to direct afterschool traffic in the rain and take furloughs.

If I lose out on those two plum jobs, perhaps Deal will consider me for Supreme Traffic Czar. We have serious transportation issues in the state and one of the things that would help alleviate the problem would be to exterminate the idiot drivers.

I would be outfitted with a machine gun capable of firing 950 rounds a minute. That should be sufficient to blow away vehicles weaving in the middle lane of the Interstate while some self-important jerk yaks on his cell phone. I would also take out all the pickup truck drivers who don’t turn on their lights when it’s raining. This will eliminate roughly 90 percent of the pickup trucks in Georgia, and say "Go ahead, make my day" to anybody who cuts in front of me without using their turn signals, which would mean significantly fewer SUVs on the road. The good news for the state is that I would do this job for free.

Now, if you will excuse me I need to get back to the phone and await my call from Deal. I don’t trust the thingamabob to be of any help in this matter.