I guess celebrities are everywhere, but I was really shocked to learn that the World's Greatest Dad lives in our town! What are the odds of that happening? By definition, there can only be one "World's Greatest Dad," and he lives right here, not over in a Tibetan hut or Australian wilderness protecting his kids from wild dingoes and snakes. I haven't met the guy, but I know he lives here because I've seen World's Greatest Dad shirts, pens and coffee cups for sale in the local stores.
Personally, I don't see how these merchants can afford to stock all this stuff for just one guy, but I'm not in the retail game. It's kind of exciting that all these stores are vying for his business; although, I would have thought that the World's Greatest Dad would have worn Izod or some other classic "Dad" brand shirts. Apparently he really likes tacky T-shirts. And he must go through a lot of coffee cups and bumper stickers. I probably shouldn't divulge this, in case the World's Greatest Dad is reading my column, but I have one of his personal pens. I have no idea how he was able to do it, but a few years ago, my son gave me a plastic ink pen that says, "World's Greatest Dad."
At first, I assumed he found it. But when he told me that the store sold it to him, I was dumbfounded. "Isn't that illegal? Didn't they ask for proof? Didn't they ask you to show the trophy or something?" The store didn't care! They just rang up the pen as if it were nothing more than a pack of gum. I'm tempted to try this myself. If these stores are that lax, maybe I could buy one of his coffee cups. It's so tempting! But I'd be afraid to drink out of it. I'd feel like a doctor operating with a fake Harvard medical degree.
And what if I met this celebrity? I'd feel so guilty knowing that I had one of his coffee cups in my cabinet. I don't think I could sleep at night, but I'm keeping the pen until the ink runs out. There must be something in our town's water that attracts celebrities. I've been told that the World's Greatest Cook and the World's Greatest Lover live here too. I wish we had more jugglers and circus celebrities, but I'm just being greedy.
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Covington and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.