Somebody asked me what was on my bucket list. That’s a big thing now, with folks rushing to visit faraway places or achieve certain goals before they kick the bucket. I see it on social media all the time. “Look at me,” they will crow. “Finally made it to Italy. I can mark that off my bucket list!” Or, “I did it! Jumping out of a plane wasn’t so bad after all. Cross that off my bucket list!”
So I felt pressured to make my own list. Yet I rarely take risks, and I’m not a big fan of travelling anywhere the Braves are not on cable, so that narrows the list considerably. I did however, compile a list of seven things I’d like to see, do, or accomplish before my number is called.
- My life’s goals would be near completion if I ever see a highway construction project in which everyone “on the job” is actually doing something. I’ve never understood how traffic can be backed up for miles, and when you finally approach the work site, there’s one poor soul slaving away, while fourteen others are checking out the scenery.
- I’ll know the end is near if I ever hand a coupon to a fast food cashier who actually knows “the code” to activate the discount. Pity the manager who takes a bathroom break, because he or she is the only one who knows the code.
- Before I go, I must see what Dolly Parton looks like without the makeup, the wig, and whatever else she uses to get all dollied-up. Admit it, you want to see this too. She once said that she and her reclusive husband go camping occasionally, and that no one recognizes her when she’s incognito. It distresses me greatly that I’ve probably stood in line behind her at a Love’s Truck Stop, and I didn’t know it was Dolly buying a Slim Jim.
- I can’t leave this Earth without seeing President Trump’s tax returns. I would have no idea if they are legitimate, because I don’t understand my own taxes. But half the nation says there’s something fishy going on, so I must see them with my own eyes.
- Having accomplished that, I must then see Barack Obama’s college transcripts. Because my bucket list must either please, or offend every single American. As the comedian James Gregory says, “It could be a law.”
- Now that I’ve touched on politics, I might as well go all the way. Judging from the past few presidential elections, we’re doing it all wrong. It seems no matter who wins, we just cannot unite behind our president. I’m starting to think this two-party nominating process and the electoral college should be scrapped. So one of my final bucket list goals would be to convert our presidential voting to more of an American Idol process. Think about it. The talent competition, panel of judges, and voting by phone gave us Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Everybody loves them. On the other hand, if I mention the last three or four presidents, at least one of them will make your blood boil. So let’s put Ryan Seacrest in charge of counting the votes, so we can love one another again.
- Also on my bucket list is a ban on all “studies” from TV newscasts. Every day, we tell you about “A new study from McKnowItAll University reveals that eating pizza makes you lose your car keys,” or some such nonsense. Only to be updated a year later with “A new study from WeGotchaMoney State College refutes the finding of that previous study. We now know that eating pizza improves your memory. You can now remember the names of all your wife’s cousins, including the one they don’t talk about.”
This nonsense has to stop. New studies have made me start consuming more milk, less milk, more fiber, less fiber, too much aspirin, and not enough aspirin. My grandfather made it to a healthy, happy 94, with no studies whatsoever.
Just last week, there was a Norwegian study that says men are more forgetful than women. It is the latest in a long line of so-called studies that make men out to be absent-minded, disorganized, and poor with details. That is so untrue.
So there you have it, my bucket list. I’d better get started, so I can get it all done.
But before I go, have I told you about that Norwegian study that says men are more forgetful than women? That is so untrue.
David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of “Volunteer Bama Dawg,” a collection of his best stories. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405 or email@example.com.