Recently, I have watched with interest how public figures such as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and baseball players Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and Jason Giambi have handled their respective scandals.
While I myself am not mired in any kind of scandal that you know of, and am not a celebrity of any substance, I figured the safe route would be to go ahead and release the following just in case something comes up.
Text of My Statement to the Public
On the advice of my attorney, my pastor, God, and using the public apology template from the American Politician and Celebrity Lawyers Association of America (APCLAA), I issue the following statement:
I would like to take this opportunity to say to my family, my readers, my state, my world, and all of my fans, that I apologize. I apologize for something I may have or may not have done sometime in the past, or perhaps in the future. What exactly I'm apologizing for isn't really important, although it's why I'm making this public statement of apology.
Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm certainly not immune from making mistakes, although I'm not admitting that I made one.
Many people would like me to confess and apologize for my alleged mistake, but my integrity won't allow me to apologize for something I didn't do. My integrity, though, will allow me to issue a non-specific, vague apology about how sorry I am for something I won't admit to doing.
Basically, let's handle it this way: If you hear about an alleged mistake I made, please accept this as my personal apology to you. If you don't hear about an alleged mistake I made, I apologize for nothing and hope that you will forgive me for making the mistake of issuing a formal apology when there was no need for one.
I hold myself to a higher standard that most other newspaper columnists, meaning I occasionally bathe. I also believe that people should take responsibility for their actions and apologize when they have been caught - I mean, did something wrong. Again, I admit no wrongdoing, but in case something comes up that implicates me of wrongdoing, please accept this as my solemn apology and oath to not get caught again - I mean, to do the right thing, in the future.
Again, by no means is this statement an admission of guilt, my attorney says. It's an admission that I'm sorry for something, possibly, if an apology is warranted in some shape, form or fashion.
Lastly, now that I have addressed this issue head-on with a public, non-committal apology that raises more questions than it answers, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters privately.
Len Robbins is editor and publisher of The Clinch County News.