OK class, it’s time for an SEC pop quiz. Follow the directions closely. Using your Scantron form and a #2 pencil, fill in the bubble that corresponds with your answer. Be sure to press firmly and fill in the bubbles completely.
Kidding about the Scantron form, but give this purely objective, factual quiz a try. For ease of reference, the answers appear immediately after each question. No peeking ahead at the answers or I’ll sic Auburn’s Compliance Department on you, and we all know how much Auburn values compliance. Here we go:
Q1. How many punt return yards has LSU allowed all year? (A) Over 100. (B) Between 50 and 100. (C) Seven. Answer: (C). Think about how ridiculous that is. Seven punt return yards in nine games!
Q2. Now that Isaiah Crowell is back for Georgia, what play will the Dawgs run most often against the porous Auburn rush defense? (A) Crowell left. (B) Crowell right. (C) Crowell up the middle. (D) All of the above. Answer: (D), as Crowell will be jonesing to run after serving his one-game suspension.
Q3. Speaking of Crowell, he and some high-profile LSU players failed drug tests this season and were suspended for one game. These one-game “punishments” are: (A) Entirely appropriate. (B) A complete joke. Answer: (B). Do you think one-game suspensions taught these guys anything?
Q4. In the 1979 classic, “The Jerk,” Steve Martin’s Navin R. Johnson character has the following SEC connections: (A) He grew up in Mississippi and moved to St. Louis (now an SEC town given Missouri’s admittance into the conference). (B) He has the intelligence of a typical Alabama fan. (C) He briefly worked as a weight guesser at a carnival, a common career choice of LSU grads. Answer: (A).
Q5. Speaking of Missouri, the Tigers’ entrance into the SEC means three conference teams will have Tigers as mascots. This is: (A) Not enough Tigers. (B) Too many Tigers. (C) Just the right amount of Tigers. Answer: (B). Perhaps the solution is for Auburn to change its mascot to the Fighting Weathermen in honor of Gene Chizik’s weatherman hairstyle.
Q6. Florida visits South Carolina on Saturday with the following at stake: (A) Nothing. (B) Barely nothing. (C) Almost nothing. Answer: (C). This game was rich with storylines but the Gators and Gamecocks disappointing play now serves as CBS’ appetizer for the Georgia-Auburn game.
Q7. Alabama players boasted this week that the Tide remains the best team in the country despite their loss to LSU in Tuscaloosa. These Bama players are: (A) Delusional. (B) Correct. (C) Young guys expressing their honest opinions. Answer: Probably (C), but you’d think Kaiser Saban would put a muzzle on his players and focus on Mississippi State.
Q8. Ole Miss announced it will part ways with head coach Houston Nutt after this season. The Mississippi Black Bears should hire: (A) Former Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach. (B) Former NFL coach Jon Gruden. (C) Doesn’t matter; Ole Miss is destined for eternal mediocrity. Answer: quite obviously (C).
Q9. True or False? Suddenly without a kicker less than an hour before kickoff last Saturday, Tennessee called a fraternity house and told a guy who was dozing on a couch to suit up and kick for the Vols. He ended up drilling a field goal and three PATs. (A) True. (B). False. Answer: (A). You just can’t make this stuff up.
Q10. The best match-up for the SEC Championship Game on Dec. 3 is: (A) Georgia-LSU. (B) South Carolina-LSU. (C) Georgia-Arkansas. (D) This whole pop quiz thing is getting old. Answer: (D).
How’d you fare on the pop quiz? If you answered all questions correctly, congratulations. You win ... a free oven mitt! Just like the one Navin R. Johnson tried to give away in “The Jerk.”
Best of luck to your SEC team this Saturday. Meanwhile, Auburn’s Compliance Department is on the phone asking if they can help catch any cheaters. I’ll tell them not to worry about it, which is what they’re used to hearing anyway.
Ben Prevost, a lawyer in Atlanta, is a life-long fan of SEC football. Send him your thoughts at SECbanter@hotmail.com.