I can’t tell you how excited I was when I found out that I got to write a column ON Halloween. But then I thought I may have used up all my awesome Halloween ideas throughout the month and wouldn’t have anything to write about.

Then I remembered. You guys get this first thing in the morning. Which means that you still have to survive trick-or-treating. Back in the day that wasn’t a big deal, but now... Well, if you’re anything like me it’s an act of extreme patience coupled with a deep desire to stay out of jail that keeps me acting right. Sadly, it’s rarely because of the children. But it can be done – I promise. I’ll teach you how. I’m just sweet like that.

Practice patience – This is the hardest one for me if I’m being totally honest. For some reason a lot of the adults will encourage their children to cut in line – especially in front of the smaller kids who won’t tell them to back off. Since I am a parent of one of these younger kids, I make sure to (nicely) remind the awful children who are following their even more awful parent’s lead that it’s not cool to cut in line. Usually that works. That and my formidable stink eye. If their parents aren’t going to teach them to act right, then I might as well let them know they can’t always get away with being a jerk face.

Remember jail – This may seem odd, but I have been inside the jail. Never when I couldn’t leave or anything, but I have spent enough time inside of them in the course of my career to know I have zero desire to hang out in one, no matter how clean they keep them. You need to keep in mind that you don’t want to go to jail because of the people (parents) you will likely deal with. Every year you see them. Carrying red solo cups full of something (I’m guessing it isn’t sweet tea) and cans of Coors in koozies, smoking and watching children far too small to walk to the doors by themselves traipsing across the yard while they guffaw unattractively like some sort of white trash mating dance. Just remember that you need to stay out of the pen in order to sneak the good candy after your kid goes to sleep.

Be comfy – This one actually amuses me. It happens every year that little girls are dressed like tween hookers, and you see why when you notice mommy’s attire usually. You’re walking your baby around and trying to have a super fun time. You can’t walk two miles in six-inch heels without being cranky. And no one blames you. Everyone is cranky when their feet hurt. But there’s no reason for that nonsense. You’re taking your kids out not going to the club. The more comfortable you dress the less likely you are to lose your cool in a situation that has the potential to be stressful. Dress comfortable and stop being so vain. Should you meet your soul mate they will love you even if you’re in sneakers and jeans.

Remember what’s important – Obviously the candy (especially peanut M&Ms), but a close second – fine, it’s the first reason – is the memories. I am all about quality time and making memories and stuff like that. I love Halloween and I love watching my kid get excited over a stupid Blow Pop and some free popcorn on the square. If you keep in mind that the end result for us all SHOULD be the same – that our kids have a magical night – then maybe we can all be friends. And stay out of jail.