I had a bit of time to burn last week, and wasn’t totally sure what I’d do with my short taste of freedom, so one of my friends asked, “Don’t you have a ‘Honey Do’ list?” I thought for a moment and realized there were a few projects I could work on, but the only person pushing me to do the work was me. I don’t have a classic, wife-imposed chore list, but before you envy me, realize that I have something far worse. I have a “Honey Don’t!” list: a list of things that I am not ever allowed to do again. Ever!
I’m not allowed to give any more haircuts. It’s not that the one I gave my son was bad, and it’s not like he was scarred for life. His hair grew back, and we saved ten bucks. But I’m not allowed near the clippers. And I’m no longer allowed to repair things with coat hangers and dental floss. I’ve written about repairing an old Mercedes muffler with a wire hanger, but did you know you can use dental floss to repair that little chain that pulls the flapper on your toilet? You can. I can’t. Not anymore. By the way, the dental floss only lasts about two months. You’ll need to plan for that. And don’t use the minty floss. That’s just weird.
I’m also not allowed to trim the shrubs in my yard. At least, I’m not allowed to trim them with my chainsaw. Hey! Those bushes were really big, and it’s not like I cut them to the ground. I just pared them back to their bare essentials. Well, that one went on the “Honey Don’t!” list faster than that unfortunate haircut business. And I’m not allowed to knock holes in drywall. That one sounds legit, but it’s a bit unfair. At one of my old houses, I found termites. So I removed a few sections of drywall to get to them. I caught the wood munchers, but I didn’t bother patching the drywall for a few years. So, now I’m banned from making any holes, even if I can hear the termites laughing on the other side of the wall.
By now, you’re probably laughing, too. Well laugh all you want. You’ve got your “Honey Do” list, and I’ve got my “Honey Don’t!” list. Which one of us can work on his list just by taking a nap? Yeah!
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Covington and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.