Everywhere I go someone's always honking. The light turns green, and someone honks. I drive the speed limit, and someone else honks for me to go 15 miles faster. I come to an intersection, and the joker behind me leans on the horn if I don't pull out in front of a cement truck fast enough for him. It's getting really annoying. But I have a solution.
You know how those cheap pre-paid cell phones work, right? You go to Walgreens and you buy a refill card. For $10 you get so many minutes of "talk time" that you load into your phone. Well, I think horns need to be on a pay-per-honk plan. Our new motto: "You'll pay for that honk!"

Think about it. New cars would come with pre-pay horns. You would go to the store, buy a card and load your horn with "honk credits." Now, when you honk, you'll be spending a little money. It would cost one credit for a short courtesy honk to go "Hey, Bob! Glad to see you!" Courtesy is nice, so it shouldn't cost too much. If you want to spend a little more on that guy who just cut you off, you can get a full one second blast for three credits. And for those really offensive drivers, you can lean on the horn for three seconds for a measly five credits. That's a pretty good deal, eh? Some of you nice drivers will use up about one card a year. Some of you impatient guys will want to check out bulk purchase discounts.

This seems like a fool-proof plan, but it won't work. First, some car company would start selling an "unlimited honks" plan for a flat fee. Then some smart aleck would demand lower rates for nighttime honking. Others would want to honk for free within their "friends and families" network. Then the government would step in to regulate it and use the revenue to buy abstract artwork made from old mufflers. Oh, just forget I brought it up. Enjoy your free honking... while you still can.

David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers. He can be reached at davmccoy@bellsouth.net.