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Some Sort of Fairytale: Ashley in Blunderland
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The holidays are a time to celebrate with family and friends, eat, drink, and be merry. But there’s a darker side to this cheery time of year - one that’s only really obvious to the fairer of the sexes.


The Alice in Wonderland Syndrome (AIWS) was first described in 1955 by English psychiatrist John Todd and occurs when a person experiences distorted space, time, and body image. This also describes 99.9 percent of all women during this time of year.


When I read this, a light bulb went off in my head. Of course - I have Alice in Wonderland Syndrome! I never have enough time to work, shop, cook, travel, and socialize with friends and family. The days fly by and every day there are not enough hours built in to get everything done. (I blame daylight savings.)


My Holi-Daily To-Do list looks something like this: Wake up, drag self out of bed, take shower, get dressed in whatever is clean, put on makeup and fix hair, notice my roots needed to be done six weeks ago, grab coffee, work for eight hours while juggling calls from mother, husband, co-workers, and best friend, head home, drive in circles at grocery store looking for “Princess Parking,” read through all trash magazines standing in checkout line, curse every woman in the magazine under 110 lbs and vow to not eat my weight in turkey and dressing for the third year in a row, get home and make dinner and try not to burn bread in oven again, burn bread in oven again, watch as husband piles dishes on top of last week’s dirty dishes in sink, let that one go, respond to emails inviting me to more holiday events with even more Secret Santa or White Elephant gifts to buy, remind self to not send those people a Christmas card next year, wash face and put on pajamas, notice cat threw up Christmas tree pine needles in closet, clean up cat puke, contemplate why the Cheshire Cat in Wonderland was much cooler and never vomited in Alice’s closet, kiss husband, go to bed.


Time and space are definitely distorted during the holidays, but that’s nothing compared to the distortion I have about my body. Every time I look in the mirror I feel like I’m looking in a fun house mirror. Throughout the holidays I have to dodge those cute little desserts saying “Eat Me” and that holiday punch and wine saying “Drink Me.” Careful or they WILL sneak up on you just when you don’t suspect it. You’ll be headed for the veggie and humus tray at the holiday party and then BAM, handmade black forest cake with a chocolate mousse and cherry topping. Bless the woman that decided stretchy leggings and big sweaters were back in style.


To make it through this crazy holiday Wonderland without offing someone’s head, here’s a few tips from yours truly:


  1. Just say “NO” to Christmas sweater vests.
  2. If your child has separation anxiety issues, please don’t hold up the line to sit in Santa’s lap – there are people in the line that need to have a conversation with him about a certain pair of strappy sandals they saw at the Michael Kors store.
  3. Don’t drink at the office Christmas party - it never turns out well
  4. Men - Don’t buy your ladies anything for the kitchen if you want to live (It just reminds us we need to do the dishes.)
  5. Remember – Thanksgiving pants are NOT appropriate out in public, however necessary.
  6. A year subscription to the “Jelly of the Month Club” is not funny even if you are a Chevy Chase fan.
  7. If the sign says “15 Items or Less” and you have more than 15 items, MOVE TO ANOTHER LINE
  8. Take your Christmas lights down after New Years please! You are making us all look bad.
  9. Christmas card with animals dressed up like reindeers – always funny
  10. Always, always kiss the cook – even if she burned the bread in the oven again- she has had a rough day!


Happy Holidays!