Zzzzzzzzzzz! Snort! Snort! Smack! Zzzzzzzzzzz!

“Donald. Donald. Please wake up, Donald! I need to talk to you!”

“Snort! Umpff! What? Hey, who are you and how did you get into Mar-a-Largo? As a matter of fact, how did you get in my bedroom, you pervert? I’m calling Secret Service. They will have your fanny tossed in jail before I can say Sean Hannity!”

“That won’t be necessary, Donald. I just want to chat with you for just a moment. Besides, calling Secret Service would be a waste of time. You see, I am a ghost. Only you can see me.”

“Aw, come on. Don’t tell me you interrupted my sleep to do the whole Christmas Carol thing on me. It is a stupid story. Charles Dickens is a stupid writer. Maybe you ghosts could scare Ebeneezer Scrooge but you aren’t scaring me, whoever you are. Besides, I liked Scrooge at one time. He was a good businessman like me. Made lots of money. Had a lot of power. But he folded. He was a pathetic loser.”

“No, Donald. This isn’t a repeat of the Christmas Carol and I am not a ghost of Christmas Past or Christmas Future. My name is Samuel J. Tilden and I want to tell you a story.”

“It had better be a good one, you spook. I got a lot of things on my mind right now. You may not be aware but I had an election stolen from me and I am very angry. Me, one of the greatest presidents of all time. Forget Washington. Forget Lincoln. Forget all those other guys. I was incredible. Really incredible. Fantastic.”

“This is what I want to talk to you about, Donald. You see, I know a little bit about presidential elections myself. I ran for president in 1876.”

“No kidding! No wonder you are a ghost! That was a long time ago, Sam.”

“Yes, well I thought that my experience in that race might be of some value to you and help put things  in perspective. May I continue?”

“Go right ahead. You’re the ghostman.”

“Thank you. I was governor of New York and had quite a reputation as a reformer, rooting out corruption in the state. Because of my record, I was nominated for president on the Democratic ticket. My opponent was Republican Rutherford B. Hayes, the governor of Ohio. It was generally considered that I would win.”

“Whoa! Now I am wide awake. What happened next, Sam?”

“Well, it was an extremely close race. I am not the only presidential candidate in American history who lost the election despite receiving a majority of the popular vote. Remember, you lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton in 2016 by 2.9 million votes but had enough electoral votes to win the presidency.”

“Those were 2.9 million idiots. Stupid. Pathetic. Garbage. A bunch of losers.”

“Let me continue, Donald. Even though I won the popular vote, there were 20 electoral votes that were in dispute. A 15-man commission was appointed by Congress to resolve the issue. They made a secret deal and gave all 20 electoral votes to Hayes, who promised the Democrats he would serve only one term, thereby getting the Republicans to then agree to withdraw federal troops from the South, ending Reconstruction.”

“Aw, man! You got screwed just like I did! I hope you sent your supporters down to the U.S. Capitol and tore the place up!”

“No, I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I urged my followers, many of whom believed correctly that the Republicans were attempting to steal the election, to refrain from violence. Democrats urged me to reject the results and take the presidential oath of office, but I said no. Abram Hewitt, who was head of the Democratic Party, wanted my supporters to engage in mass public demonstrations. Again, I said no.”

“Sam, I gotta tell you, you are a bigger loser than sleepy Joe Biden or Hillary Rotten Clinton or those RINOs in Georgia that wouldn’t find me 11,780 votes,”

“That may be but healing the divisions in my country was more important to me than salving my ego. And sometimes losers can be winners. It’s all in how you do it. Goodbye, Donald. I hope this little chat has been helpful.”

“Ivanka! Wake up! Some spooky guy was just here trying to convince me that the election is over! Get Rudy Giuliani on the phone! I need him to tell me this was all just a bad dream!”

Dick Yarbrough is an award-winning columnist from Georgia.  Reach him at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at facebook.com/dickyarb.