Let's peek in on a classroom in the year 2411 where they're studying Ancient Earth History 101. Today's topic is, "The Origin of Thanksgiving."
"Hello students. I'm TR94F, your substitute robotic instructor. I'll be teaching you while maintenance removes the chewing gum from UY78's cooling fan. Today, I'll be reading from a few of the better essays you've written. I loved them all, except for Carol's. Let's start with Dikron's ‘Historical Thanksgiving.' ‘Captain John Wayne was elected to lead the Pilgrims out of Europe so they could avoid the Black Friday Plague. The Pilgrims needed a way to get to the New World Order, so they took a ship called The Maytag because it was the most dependable. The Pilgrims crossed the Atlanta Ocean, and when they got to New Orleans, Captain John Wayne had to fight the Cleveland Indians for a place to stay. Thanksgiving was the big parade Macy's threw after the Indians were subdued in double overtime.' Did you see how Dikron hit all the main facts?
Quarnita 5's ‘Importance of Thanksgiving' is a solid history lesson, too. ‘On Thanksgiving night, Mr. White Meat rises from the Vidalia onion fields to fly around the world in a giant gravy bowl pulled by 12 angry men. If you've been good, he leaves lottery tickets in your underwear drawer. If you're really, really bad, or if you're a politician, he signs you up for violin lessons.' This story hits all the facts, too. By the way, I loved your violin concerto the other night. Bravissimo, Quarnita 5!
This leaves us with Carol's simple little story called, ‘Thanks to God.' I'll read it, just as an example of behavior that will not be tolerated. She says, ‘Thanksgiving is a time of remembrance and a time to thank God for all He's done for us.' Stop snickering, class! Yes, I know she used the ‘G-word,' and I've already reported it to the authorities. I'm sorry, Carol; but this is a history class, and we just can't allow your silly myths in here."
Silly myths? Really? Christmas wasn't started by elves; Easter wasn't started by rabbits; and Thanksgiving is more than turkey and sales. I'm thankful we still remember that. May God bless you, this Thanksgiving. And TR94F, you should probably report that "G-word," too. Carol and I are ready for you, and we've got some fresh chewing gum with your number on it.
David McCoy, a self-proclaimed Southern-Gentleman and Raconteur-in-Training lives in Covington with his family.