Oh, those mistakes you hear on the news. Like the reporter who said, “The man was electrocuted, but not seriously.” (Don’t try that at home, please.)
With that in mind, it’s time for another roundup of Facebook flubs and spell-check bloopers. Every few months, I share the latest collection of foul-ups, many of which are sent in by you, my kind and eagle-eyed readers.
“You say I can watch your news ‘screaming online.’” Sorry, but I prefer my news without all the screaming.” (I guess I’ll have to lower my voice.)
“I just heard that it’s musky dime season. Does anyone know where I can find some?” (No, but I’ve got a drawer full of old pennies).
“There’s so much more I could say. I’m just scratching the service.” (Which branch of the military are you scratching?)
“I have three sisters and a bother.” (Yep, there’s one in every family.)
“Our city needs to build more infant structure!” (Yep, we only have one McDonald’s with an indoor playground.)
“I saw the police arrest him, and take him away in coughs.” (It must have been during allergy season.)
“They’re just looking for an escape goat.” (I think I saw him over there by the kudzu.)
“They arrested him for tax invasion.” (Did he break into the IRS?)
“You should see the big law enforcement presents on I-75.” (Santa must have come early for the police this year.)
“I don’t trust them poles. I don’t know a single sole who has ever been poled.” (There’s a country song in here somewhere.)
“They said I’ll have to go to court if I don’t have Affa Davis. I don’t even know anybody by that name.” (You should probably just go to court. Maybe Affa will be there.)
“Did you see that obscene jester?” (I remember when jesters kept it clean.)
“I can’t believe they’re proposing that budget. It’s all smoking mirrors.” (Quick, grab the fire extinguisher!)
“My doctor says I need to stay hibernated.” (Oh my. That could take all winter.)
“We had a great time. We went out to a nightclub and sang teriyaki.” (Well, I’ve heard of people playing “Chopsticks,” but this is a new one.)
“Bad spelling is our worst enema.” (But with you leading the fight, we’re sure to have a good outcome.)
“I will only vote for candidates who pledge no new taxis.” (People need to walk more anyway.)
“If anyone has a child who needs help in school, I’m available for inexpensive tudoring.” (Proving, you get what you pay for.)
“I am so forgetful lately. Reckon I might have dimension or something?” (Well, it’s something, all right. Now what was your question?)
“We can’t have another government shutdown. That would be a national apostrophe!” (I’m glad you put an explanation point there.)
“I guess it just got lost in the shovel.” (That’s why you need a wheel barrel.)
“If you want to see real competition, you should’ve come to our cheerleader trouts.” (I wish you had let minnow. I was home watching Tuna Half Men on TV.)
“I told him to stay away from her. She’s star craving mad!” (And you don’t want to be around her when she’s craving stars.)
“Every woman should get an annual monogram.” (Maybe that way, she will never forget her name.)
“The president should deny the alligations. In fact, he should sue those alligators.” (I wouldn’t do that. I hear their attorney can be quite slippery.)
“Pay no attention to that story. It’s just an old wise tale.” (And wisdom is obviously in short supply here.)
“Now that is definitely one for the wrecker books.” (In fact, it might break the old world wrecker.)
“At the rate things are going, our nation will soon be in dire scrapes.” (Watch out for those scratches, too.)
Keep ’em coming, folks. And until next time, stay hibernated.
David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor. He may be reached at email@example.com.