Listen up, ladies! Men aren’t the most articulate things on the planet, so you might be wondering what your guy wants to find under the old Christmas tree this year. Instead of taking a wild shot with some lousy solid-brass fireplace tongs, why don’t you consider these really cool items that most men covet. I promise these are the things they’re secretly hoping you’ll buy. I’d never mislead you... just for a cheap laugh... at your expense.
Most guys love football, so that means they need a good book on philosophy. Football is just a metaphor for existential angst, and a good quarterback sack is simply a portrait of life’s unfairness caused by society’s isolation from nature. I know this because I already own a good book on philosophy. Don’t you want your man to know the insider secrets of football? Sure you do. But, if you can’t find any of Kierkegaard’s books in the original Danish text on clearance at Borders, just buy two tickets to a Falcons home game and a subscription to Mad Magazine. It’ll probably achieve the same effect, in the long run.
Guys love power tools, the more obscure the better. Imagine one of your neighbors saying, “I sure wish I could polish all my downspouts this year!” Now imagine the thrill on your man’s face as he wheels out his own 450-horsepower downspout polisher - with the optional brick-and-shingle buffer attachment! Wouldn’t that be cool? But, downspout polishers with all the optional attachments aren’t sold in this hemisphere, so you may have to settle for a cordless electric drill or maybe one of those work lights that bends like a snake.
If none of these options is satisfactory, consider the fact that men love to eat. Yes, we do. Remember those Easy-Bake ovens you ladies had when you were little? While we’ll deny it to our dying days, most guys secretly wanted one of those ovens and about 200 boxes of brownie mix. Pinch his waist - use two hands if you have to - and see if your man still likes brownies. If he does, you know exactly what to get him. If that’s just too much gender-bending for you to consider, then buy the Easy-Bake for yourself and give him a kiss and start cooking. A smooch and an endless supply of little, tiny brownies always tops any list of stuff guys like.
David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.