I must warn you about the crazy animals living and dying around here. This fine Sunday morning, as I was driving to church, I hit a deer. Miraculously, there was no damage to life, limb, or car. The doe lived too, but she'll be nursing a sore rump for a few weeks. Now, when I get hit on the backside, I learn my lesson on the first whack, but the deer around here aren't that bright. They keep jumping in front of my car, again and again. You'd think one of them would wise up and educate the herd.

I bet if I smashed into a dolphin, he'd tell his friends. Dolphins are smart. Dolphins have their own language. Have you ever heard of a dolphin jumping in front of a car around here? Do you ever hear of a dead dolphin on the side of the interstate, blocking the Moreland Avenue exit? I didn't think so. See my point? Dolphins are just a whole lot smarter than deer.

A few months ago, I had another deer incident. The insane beast watched from the side of the road and allowed me to drive closer and closer. Then it jumped right in front of my car. I avoided a collision only because I've learned their tricks, and I slow to a crawl every time I see big brown eyes. I slow down because those crazy animals are determined to smash into my car. What goes on in a deer's tiny brain box? Are they just having fun with me? No... I can't imagine a bumper to the backside is fun. I just think the poor animals get confused, lose all sense of perspective, and Mother Nature says "Jump!" Mother needs to hush around confused deer.

Be careful as you drive around here. The deer population is full of nutcases who like to play in traffic. If you see a deer, just slow to a crawl and expect trouble. Deer aren't very smart, and we have to watch out for them. On the other hand, if you see a dolphin on the side of the road, just keep driving at your regular speed. That dolphin's not going to jump in front of you. He has a high IQ and talkative friends. He's already been warned about drivers like you and me, and he's way too smart to go near Moreland Avenue in rush hour.

David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Conyers, can be reached at davmccoy@bellsouth.net.