If you live anywhere near a working telephone, and you don’t call your mom on Mother’s Day, I promise you’ll regret it. In fact, there are only three legitimate reasons for not picking up the phone on that hallowed day. Just three! If one of these exemptions applies to you, then you can safely skip the whole Mother’s Day ritual. Otherwise, pick up that phone, and start practicing your "I love you" speech.

Exemption No. 1 – You were grown in a Petri dish. I always thought everyone had to have a mother, but I’ve been reading about how smart scientists are and how they can do just about anything. So, if you were manufactured in a plastic dish and were made from little more than coconut shells and a bar of lemon-scented soap, you’re exempt. That’s good, because I’m not sure what the area code is for Fiji, and I don’t think anyone should pay those kinds of phone rates to talk to a coconut tree. You’re probably good to skip Father’s Day too, but that’s just a hunch.

Exemption No. 2 – You’re visiting from the distant future. This is a really rare situation, but with economy-class time travel as cheap as it is where you come from, it’s possible. In this case, you don’t have to call your mom. Heck, she hasn’t even been born yet! You’re exempt, and that’s fortunate for you. If you think it’s expensive to call Fiji on Mother’s Day, you should look at the rates for a three-minute call to the year 3420.

Exemption No. 3 – You aren’t a human. Maybe you’re a really smart parrot, and you read my columns in your bird cage. Maybe this one’s got you hankering to call your mom. Well, get over it! You’re just a bird. Sure, you might be able to say, "Hello mom!" but it’s not the same. Trust me — you’re exempt. And don’t call me either. I’m glad you like my sense of humor, but I don’t take grammar advice from a bird. It’s just a rule I have. It’s not personal.

So, let’s recap. If you’re made out of coconuts and soap, or you’re visiting from the future, or you read J. D. Salinger in your bird cage, you’re exempt from all Mother’s Day niceties. All the rest of you have no excuse, so grab that telephone! Mothers are just too precious to ignore. As for chatty parrots, feel free to hang up on them anytime.