As an avid social media user, I enjoy collecting misspellings, misinterpretations and other mishaps. When I began using them in my columns, the response was encouraging. Many of you began sending in additional AutoCorrect and texting fails, poorly worded signs, and embarrassing invitations. (Your contributions are always welcome at email@example.com)
You can blame it on “voice to text,” spell check, and perhaps some educational deficiencies.
No matter the reason, these mistakes are a good source of laughter, especially in the dreary dead of winter. So with no further a dew, I hope this makes you smile. And please: take it with a grain assault.
Newspaper headline: “Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement.” (Something tells me they’re not finished.)
“Why are they making us go to school tomorrow? It don’t make any since.” (You just answered your own question.)
“The news said schools was closed in clement weather. I thought it was because of snow.” (Just get out there and shovel some clement.)
“I’m glad the schools don’t teach cursive writing. My kids have already learned too many cursive words from those movies we get at Red Box.” (Who taught Samuel L. Jackson all those cursive words, anyway?)
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about driving, you should always air on the side of caution.” (And if you’re going to air on that side, please make sure your window is down.)
“I can’t wait for spring. I don’t like driving on ice and snot.” (I hear you. I don’t like the slippery stuff either.)
“Herman just got a job driving a tracker trailer.” (You know how he loves tracking people down.)
“The president should protect our boarders!” (What dangers do your boarders face? And do they pay their rent on time?)
“They keep saying he’s behind in the poles, but nobody has ever poled me!” (I wouldn’t complain about that, it sounds painful.)
From a church bulletin: “On Sinday, we had our biggest turnout in years!” (Yep, there were a lot of people who usually don’t come to church.)
“I’d like to buy a dog, but I want to make sure she’s spade.” (Just make sure she shows all her cards.)
“We fans are disgusted. All the Titans do is loose.” (Obviously, they need to Titan up.)
Comment about returning from vacation: “It rained the whole time, so we had to stay in our hotel sweet.” (Apparently, they had lots of chocolates.)
“Queen Elizabeth is amazing. She’s been on the thrown for 70 years!” (Long may she rain.)
“I have some extra tickets to the concert. If you want to go, please massage me.” (Can’t that wait until after the show?)
Christmas invitation: “Bring the kids, for Breakfast with Satan!” (Wow, they must have been REALLY naughty.)
“My son has made so much progress on the piano. Please come see his rectal.” (Ewww. I’ve heard of a dinner and a show, but this is going too far.)
“They keep saying I can watch their news ‘screaming online.’ I’m sorry, but I prefer my news without all the screaming!” (Newscasters, please lower your voice.)
“These TV weather people talk too much about the Golf of Mexico!” (You tell ‘em Wanda. We have our own golf, and it’s American made!)
“I am seeing too many commercials about reptile dysfunction pills.” (See you later, alligator.)
“My kids are asking for new clothes. That’s too bad, I always had to wear hammy downs.” (Sure, they smelled like bacon, but I survived.)
“My husband is so accident prong.” (Whatever you do, don’t let him use a fork.)
“I’ve lived a long life. I must truly have a garden angel.” (Yes, Clementine, and that also explains why your okra always wins the blue ribbon.)
Sympathy note: “My heat goes out to you.” (And I’m sincere about that, I’m not just spewing hot air.)
Sign in parking lot: “We do COVID testing in the rear.” (No sir! That’s not what I was told.)
“These politicians need to stop this gerry meandering!” (Yes, make Gerry walk in a straight line, like the rest of us!)
That’s all for now. I’ve been feeling weak, and my doctor says I need to stay hibernated. And according to the internets, that usually takes all winter.
David Carroll is a Chattanooga TV news anchor. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.