Dear Atlanta Braves: Following the retirement of Braves manager Brian Snitker, I am humbly offering my services to succeed him. Attached is my formal application.
NAME: David “The Skipper” Carroll
AGE: Younger than Brian Snitker, Ron Washington, and Dusty Baker. Older than well, just about everybody else.
QUALIFICATIONS: Now we get to the good part. I’ve been a fan since 1966. I’ve seen or heard every game on the radio, on TV, or in person. During my radio career, I managed the KZ-106 Foul Tips slow-pitch softball team. Our goal was to win roughly half of our games, so that would be a step up for the Braves. I was a dual threat because I also pitched, and as Braves manager I would be available to come out of the bullpen. I could hang out with Jesse Chavez, because he’s no kid either. I have also been a key advisor in recent years, as you’ve surely noticed from my Twitter/X account.
PLANS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Glad you asked! First, since you haven’t spent much money on good players recently, I would spend it on the addition of a retractable roof at the ballpark. Most Braves home games are either too hot or too rainy. And speaking of money, I would have flexible ticket prices that would reflect the team’s performance. I heard that you’re raising the price of season tickets for 2026. You’re kidding, right? In the real world, if there are fewer graham crackers in the box, the price goes down. They still do that, right?
OUT OF THE BOX IDEAS: You will love these. First, open the gates earlier. Let the fans enjoy batting practice, baseball’s secret gift. Kids get free baseballs, parents get photos, casual fans can interact with players, and die-hard fans study the hitters. You’ve just made everyone happy. Also, I noticed Brian Snitker’s energy level faded now and then. He was overworked! My solution: as manager, I would need more vacation time. I’d have, what, 13 assistant coaches? Let them share the load. I’m not asking for much. Give me the Johnny Carson schedule. I’ll work Wednesday through Friday. I would need a nap during innings 4 through 6. I don’t like to fly, so I’ll pass on the West Coast games. Add a couple of full weeks off when it’s hot in July and August, and I’d be well rested. If they’re replacing the umpires with robots, I see no reason to expend much of my own energy.
HOW TO IMPROVE THE FAN EXPERIENCE: During my softball days, we found a way to keep kids engaged. I’d set up a Mountain Dew stand. When kids under 12 start getting drowsy, hose them down with Mountain Dew. Spray it directly into their mouths. You’ll never see a yawning kid at the game again.
ARE YOU A PLAYER’S MANAGER? Definitely, it would make my job easier. Chris Sale would not leave a game until he gave me the signal. Why should anyone expect ME to know when he’s out of gas? I trust HIS judgment. I would only enter the field when forced to do so. Come to think of it, I will need a recliner in the dugout.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THE GAME BETTER?: Rule changes, baby. We softball studs invented many revolutionary ideas. We were waving batters to first base for an intentional walk in the 1970s. Major League Baseball finally caught up in 2017. And forget that “ghost runner” who magically appears on second base in extra innings these days. The best Braves game I ever saw was the 19-inning Pirates game in 2011, decided by the worst play-at-the-plate call in baseball history. Y’all sold lots of extra beer and hot dogs that night. Relief pitchers had to come in and play right field. Managers were recruiting players out of the stands. (Okay, I made some of this up, but you get my point.)
FINAL THOUGHTS OR COMMENTS: I’m affordable. Set me up with a parking space in the same zip code as Henry Aaron Park, and I’m good to go. Oh yeah, about that name. I would give “Truist Park” its rightful name, as you should have done in the beginning. Go Braves!
David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his latest book is "I Won't Be Your Escape Goat," available from his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Rd, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com
