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The past five months have reminded me that the differences between men and women are rarely more evident than when there’s a new baby in the house. Let’s look at a few examples of these different approaches to parenting.
Wet diaper
Mom: Changes it right away to prevent diaper rash.
Dad: Feels to see if it’s squishy. If not, it can probably last another hour or two. Doesn’t that "8 to 14 pounds" on the package signify how much the diaper can hold? If it’s not within that weight range, Daddy ain’t changing it yet.
Dirty diaper
Mom: Changes it right away to prevent diaper rash
Dad (if mom is home): Pretends not to notice the odor — or if that’s impossible, passes baby off to mom with a pleading grin and a promise to do the dishes later.
Dad (if mom isn’t home): Changes diaper at lightning speed while holding breath and trying not to gag. Makes sure to give Mom a graphically detailed account of the experience when she gets home.
Feeding
Mom: Breastfeeds or gives a bottle, enjoying the time of nurturing and wishing the baby would stay small forever.
Dad: Tries to teach baby to hold her own bottle pretty much fresh from the womb. After all, holding baby with one hand and the bottle in the other leaves Dad unable to use the remote control.
Spit-Up
Mom: Uses ever-present shoulder accessory, the burp cloth, to wipe up the mess and carefully clean off baby’s hands and face.
Dad: Grabs whatever fabric is handy — his wife’s Snuggie, grandma’s embroidered silk handkerchief, baby’s hat — and blots the mess off of his clothes before swiping it under baby’s chin.
Playtime
Mom: presents baby with an assortment of stimulating, age-appropriate toys. She holds him in her lap, and talks gently to further his language development. She puts him in his Exersaucer or bouncy seat just long enough to fold the laundry or go to the bathroom. She nuzzles his neck after engaging him in a good game of "This Little Piggy" or "Pat-a-cake".
Dad: (if the game is on) Rotates baby from station to station, from the walker to the bouncer to the play mat, leaving her in each spot until the volume of her wailing drowns out the TV.
Dad: (if nothing is on TV) Tosses baby into the air, dangles baby from her feet, swinging her upside down like a pendulum while walking around and making robotic, mechanical noises. Baby loves it, and despite knowing baby is safe with Dad, all Mom can envision is a soft, downy skull knocking into the floor or ceiling.
Bathtime
Mom: bathes baby nightly. Those little neck folds and fists trap an awful lot of drool and spit up by the end of the day, and Mom can’t wait to give baby a good cleaning. Nothing is sweeter than nuzzling velvety baby skin that smells sweetly of baby soap and lotion. And nothing calms baby before bedtime like warm water, so reminiscent of his fetal home just a few months before.
Dad: "Didn’t we just bathe her last night?" He swears he notices no off-odor around the baby’s neck or her fists when she shoves them into his mouth. If she looks clean, isn’t that good enough? But even he can’t resist how precious the baby is after the bath, all snuggled in his arms, her smiling face peeking out of a plush, hooded towel.
Baby crying at 3 a.m.
Mom: Rouses at the first peep, but pauses, hoping that Dad might wake up and handle it.
Dad: Sleeps straight through all but the loudest screams. If not, he fakes sleep until Mom gets up to handle it.
I hear that these scenarios play out at most of our friends’ homes, too. Fathers often push kids to persevere and try new things, while mothers tend to stress nurturing. Though we laugh at the differences between us, each parent brings something to the table that helps create well-rounded kids. And that’s a good thing to remember the next time the other parent is driving you crazy.
Kari Apted may be reached at kari@kariapted.com.
