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Articles By Author - David McCoy


We're all fat now

When I was a kid, I was beyond skinny. I was a beanpole, a stick, a rail of a boy who could eat and eat and still be blown over by a strong March wind. Calories weren't my problem. In fact, calories meant one thing to me: "fat people." In my partial view of reality, the only people who talked about calories were "fat people." March forward a few too many decades, and I'm talking about calories, and I'm one of those "fat people." Maybe you are too? We're all fat now, from what I read ...

June 28, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


Lower your windows

We live in sealed houses, ride in sealed cars, shop in sealed stores and generally live our lives isolated from the ugly, mean, cruel outdoors. We love our air conditioning, and our air filters, and those little dispensers that spray nice smelling air into our lives, but we might as well be on Mars, ensconced in a terrarium just like some fancy turtle that can do long division. If we claim our lives "are a zoo," is it any wonder? We've built an indoor zoo and we live there year 'round, caged for our own protection.

June 14, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


My shampoo doesn't trust me

Okay. I know shampoo isn't a sentient product with a mind of its own, so we can both agree that any statement about it lacking "trust" is just poetic license. Well, I'm fine with that because I've always wanted to be a poet, and I wondered where the licensing bureau was. Now, back to the shampoo. My fancy shampoo has a little electronic tag on it that says it's being "protected." The store that sold it to me most likely put the little tag on it so no one could stick the big bottle of coconut ...

May 31, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


Learning the ancient lands

All around are stones. The buildings are mason-crafted from sandstone. Many of the street walks are cobbled in smooth rock. And the land of Edinburgh is itself a mass of stone, a fortress of a city spied upon by the castle at the heights. This is Scotland's capital, and it's been my temporary home for a week after an overnight sleeper train from London. E dinburgh is Scotland, and Scotland has been a mystery all my life, until now. It's not that I have decoded all of Scotland's mysteries; it's just that the land and ...

May 17, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


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Archive By Author - David McCoy


No firearms needed for this hunt

Ice cream hunting season is almost here. I'm so excited! During winter, all the ice cream migrates down to Miami where it congregates in retired autoworkers' refrigerators until it's safe to return home. Sadly some of the ice cream will never make it to Georgia. If you wonder why that happens, just look at the average retired autoworker's stomach. Mother

April 17, 2011 | David McCoy | Columnists


The man’s guide to the laundry room

The washer and dryer are two of the biggest and most dangerous machines anyone can own. So, why do most guys avoid the laundry room like they avoid a Tupperware party? I think it's because most men don't see the washer and dryer as "power tools." Well, that's got to change. Our wives would appreciate some help with the laundry, so I'm going to teach you how to operate those gigantic monsters.

November 10, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


When preachers turn funny

Life used to be so simple. Preachers delivered fire and brimstone visions of Hades to scare the pants off people, and comedians pulled down their pants to make people laugh like... well, you know. Both sides lived by the rule that preachers don't throw pies and comedians don't do funerals, but that's all over. My own preacher, Dr. John Beyers, is as good a minister as you'll ever meet, but he's got a character flaw that just galls me: He's funny and he makes people laugh. Well, as a humorist, I'm deeply offended ...

October 08, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


Time for a cheap watch

Nice watches and I don't get along anymore, and that's just fine with me. No matter how much I'm tempted by their beauty, I'll never again buy an expensive watch. I can't stand to see another "precious timepiece" ruined because of a fried gizmo, jammed cog, or leaky seal. From now on, I'm going to adopt a friend's idea. He goes for "cheap and disposable." My plan - "expensive and disposable" - just wasn't very smart.

September 17, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


Cologne by the six pack

I love to smell fine fragrances. Wear chic French perfume around me and I'll sniff the air and try to guess which movie star you're pretending to be. Give me a scratch-and-sniff cologne sample and I'll wear my fingernail down as I scratch up the sweet aroma. But if you apply too much fragrance, I'll turn red and make gagging noises in your direction. I can't help it. I have a sensitive nose, and some people just don't know when to stop spraying, splashing and misting.

September 10, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


Murder, mayhem and an old song

Do you ever wonder why children aren't completely insane by the time they're adults?

August 06, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


A new game for long summer drives

Do you remember all the games we played on long car trips, back when we were kids? Did you play the alphabet game, where you looked for words on road signs? "A - Atlanta! B - Bathrooms!" Or maybe you played the license plate game. "I see one from Michigan!" Games are great when you're a kid. But, a good car game can make the trip go a lot faster for the adults, too. Well, since we're knee-deep into summer, and many of you are about to drive across the country in kid-infested minivans, I've developed a cool, new ...

July 09, 2010 | David McCoy | OPINION


Not cut out for black leather pants

When I told my wife that I was writing a column about something I'd never own, she gave me that line about never saying never. So, I explained that I was talking about a pair of black leather pants. She stopped eating, looked across the table, and said, "OK. You've got a good point." She remembers my black-leather-pants period, and she knows it's a sore subject. I'm never going to own a pair of black leather pants. Not even for a weekend.

May 07, 2010 | David McCoy | OPINION


The dangers of under-aged shaving

Recently, my youngest son looked at me, rubbed his face and said, "I need to start shaving." I tried not to snicker, but then he's only 11 years old. While he might have a whisker or two hiding on his face, there's no way he's ready for a sharp blade and a handful of foam. Besides, I remember all too well what it was like when I took up shaving at the ancient age of 14. He's way too young for that kind of carnage and blood loss.

April 23, 2010 | David McCoy | OPINION


Certain in my uncertainty

Are you normally a pessimist or an optimist? I say "normally" because I don't know too many optimists right now, what with our current economic, political and social mess. But, think back to when things were normal - like when you were polishing your brand new '57 Chevy. Were you an optimist back then, or were you a pessimist? It's something to think about. Personally, I've concluded that I might be a borderline optimist with just a dash of pessimism. Or, I might be a mild pessimist with heavy traces of optimism. I'm just not sure. I ...

April 16, 2010 | David McCoy | OPINION


The appeal of an inflatable gorilla

During graduate school, I had to take a marketing course - an insipid class that I hated completely and thoroughly. Yet, despite that forced march, I must confess my demented fondness for automotive advertisements. The various dealer ads fascinate me, even if I don't understand how they can possibly lead to increased sales. Maybe if I'd paid more attention in class, I might understand some of the insanity that goes on down at the car lot. I understand the hotdogs and hamburgers, the flags and banners, and the giveaways: that's all easy. But I don't understand why ...

April 02, 2010 | David McCoy | Columnists


How not to repair a garage door

It's a fact: I don't like to pay someone else to do something that I can do better. Well, at least that's the theory. The reality is that I'm cheap, and I hate to let my money go on long trips without me. So, I often repair things that I should never mess with, just to save a few bucks. A classic example of my penny-pinching foolishness dates from about 1986, when I tried to repair my own garage door.

March 12, 2010 | David McCoy | OPINION


Fighting socialism in the depths of winter

It's freezing cold down here in Dixie! Listen, I fully expect the South to be humid and hot, balmy and breezy, and stifling and sticky, but nowhere did I sign up for frigid and frozen. We southerners will tolerate an occasional ice storm or that rare centimeter or two of snow, but weather like we've had for the past few months is nuts. The only solution to this craziness is to learn to control the weather ourselves. We try to control the economy, our destiny, and our kids, why can't we take on the weather? Would it ...

February 12, 2010 | David McCoy | Our Thoughts


Have you ever been to your own funeral

I'm not afraid of dying, but I assure you I'm in no rush to prove that point to anyone. So, you can imagine how I reacted years ago when I visited a nice, grassy cemetery plot I'd just acquired and found a freshly-dug grave, all decked out for a funeral. Earlier that week, I'd accepted the plot as a benefit of church membership and had considered it a rather nice gesture. However, I didn't recall a "use it or lose it" clause in the deal. This particular denomination isn't known for those kinds of ...

January 08, 2010 | David McCoy | Our Thoughts


Pecan Pie for the Mind: The last hair style I'll ever need

I've had only a few hairstyles in my entire 49 years. As a grade-schooler - during the heyday of the hippies - I was saddled with the classic barbershop buzz-cut. Even though I was only in the first grade as the "Summer of Love" commenced, I sensed something violently wrong with my shorn locks. So, I pleaded and begged, and by sixth grade, I had convinced my parents that a few less "inches off the top" and a "groovy" sideburn or two wouldn't corrupt our good family name. By middle school, I was sporting a greasy mop, sideburns (actually, just ...

December 25, 2009 | David McCoy | OPINION


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