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Articles By Author - David McCoy


We're all fat now

When I was a kid, I was beyond skinny. I was a beanpole, a stick, a rail of a boy who could eat and eat and still be blown over by a strong March wind. Calories weren't my problem. In fact, calories meant one thing to me: "fat people." In my partial view of reality, the only people who talked about calories were "fat people." March forward a few too many decades, and I'm talking about calories, and I'm one of those "fat people." Maybe you are too? We're all fat now, from what I read ...

June 28, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


Lower your windows

We live in sealed houses, ride in sealed cars, shop in sealed stores and generally live our lives isolated from the ugly, mean, cruel outdoors. We love our air conditioning, and our air filters, and those little dispensers that spray nice smelling air into our lives, but we might as well be on Mars, ensconced in a terrarium just like some fancy turtle that can do long division. If we claim our lives "are a zoo," is it any wonder? We've built an indoor zoo and we live there year 'round, caged for our own protection.

June 14, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


My shampoo doesn't trust me

Okay. I know shampoo isn't a sentient product with a mind of its own, so we can both agree that any statement about it lacking "trust" is just poetic license. Well, I'm fine with that because I've always wanted to be a poet, and I wondered where the licensing bureau was. Now, back to the shampoo. My fancy shampoo has a little electronic tag on it that says it's being "protected." The store that sold it to me most likely put the little tag on it so no one could stick the big bottle of coconut ...

May 31, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


Learning the ancient lands

All around are stones. The buildings are mason-crafted from sandstone. Many of the street walks are cobbled in smooth rock. And the land of Edinburgh is itself a mass of stone, a fortress of a city spied upon by the castle at the heights. This is Scotland's capital, and it's been my temporary home for a week after an overnight sleeper train from London. E dinburgh is Scotland, and Scotland has been a mystery all my life, until now. It's not that I have decoded all of Scotland's mysteries; it's just that the land and ...

May 17, 2015 | David McCoy | LIVING


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Archive By Author - David McCoy


Clip-on tie is the devil’s work

As a kid, I hated Sunday mornings with a passion I now reserve only for unimaginable evils such as genocide and raw onions. Sunday - "the day of rest" - was far from restful for me, and I blame it on a weekly ritual, "dressing up for Sunday school."

May 04, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: Sweet memories of kindergarten

Let your mind wander back to kindergarten, and think about those simpler times and all the fun you had. It doesn't matter where you come from; you have to admit that kindergarten was fun. You played with toys, sang songs, colored pictures of fire trucks, and learned radically new concepts like sharing and the letter Q.

April 27, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


A fat boy and his pies

There's an interesting picture hanging in the bathroom of a particular shop here in town.

April 20, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


Spring fever mind games

I wish the weather would stop playing games with us here in the South. It wasn't more than a few weeks ago that I slipped into a pair of short pants for puttering around the house.

April 13, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: The joys of a garden

Spring is here, and after we sailed past Good Friday and the risk of frost, it is now planting time! I've bought seeds and pots and I'm ready to plant something.

March 30, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: Have a great mid-life crisis

I decided to let my remaining hair grow a lot longer than it normally does, and someone suggested I "must be in a mid-life crisis." Well, yeah! I've been in a mid-life crisis for at least 12 years now, and I have no intention of ending it anytime soon.

March 23, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: How not to hold a baby

Gentlemen...you need to go to baby-holding school. You know how you get when you're around newborns. When the parents come by with their little bundles, you lay your arms by your sides and say, "Let someone else hold it ... first." Yes, you actually say "it." And what's this "first" business? You know you have no intention of being number two or number 20. You don't ever plan to hold that baby. Women hold tiny babies all the time, but we men act like those little creatures are sticks of dynamite wrapped in radioactive poison ivy. Well ...

February 23, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


Visiting the ‘ladies’ room’

It happened again today. Something was wrong with the gents' toilet and I wanted to wash my hands. What to do? What to do? Yep. I did it. I washed my paws in the room marked "Ladies." The door was wide open, no one was in there and the sink was calling my name: "David ... David ... come wash up in here." If you've ever heard a sink calling your name, you'd best just give in and not argue. It's bad enough to admit that sinks talk to you, but once you're seen arguing with porcelain fixtures ...

February 16, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


Please “Teach Your Children Well”

I titled this column after Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young's famous song because it properly reflects the story I'll tell, and because I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one on the planet who has realized the truth about home schooling.

February 02, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: How to remain manly while sick

Let's be painfully blunt: It's not possible for a man to be sick and remain manly. I'd like to claim that testosterone is the cure-all that keeps guys burly and ferocious through all kinds of challenges, but that hormone bows in defeat before the cold, the flu, or - in my case - bronchitis. I spent much of the new year fighting off a nasty infection, and that's when I learned just how far we men fall when we fall ill. Women can have a liver transplant in the morning and host a dinner party for 20 that ...

January 12, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


McCoy: Goodbye Mr. Butternut and 2012

Many of your respected newspaper columnists are offering New Year's resolutions, but notice I said, "respected." That's your first clue that I'm not going in for the tradition resolutions game. Instead, I want to look back on 2012 and review some things that just didn't work for me. I'm resolving nothing about 2013, but I'll remember these mistakes and maybe I won't repeat them. This is a lighter approach to resolutions where I'll make a lot of noise but not actually do anything to solve the real problem. I learned this trick ...

January 03, 2013 | David McCoy | Columnists


A new holiday: Whew Day!

We need a new holiday, not so much for the sake of the greeting card industry, but for our own peace of mind and perspective. We have Thanksgiving, where we give thanks, and we have Christmas where we receive gifts. We need a special holiday combining both themes into one glorious day of giving thanks for gifts never received. Let's call this holiday, "Whew Day" in honor of the comic books of my youth. "Whew" is the sound of air rushing from your body. It's the sound you make when you realize just how close you came to ...

December 29, 2012 | David McCoy | Columnists


Yeah, I’m delighted

Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you survived the Mayan calendar's alleged prediction of total world destruction. But, if the world has been destroyed, then you're not reading this, and I just wasted a perfectly good "congratulations" on a bunch of cosmic dust. Either way, let's move to today's topic: cloying customer service.

December 22, 2012 | David McCoy | Columnists


Out of my time

Here's some ugly math I wish I hadn't calculated. It's 2012 and I'm 52 years old. If the Mayans and their silly calendars leave us alone, and I live to be 90, I'll have 38 years left. Thirty-eight years seems like a lot of life remaining... until you think about it. Thirty-eight years ago was 1974. Back in that strange year, I turned 14, learned to play the guitar, listened to ABBA and moped around in my polyester pants and tacky ties whenever I had to dress up for church. I was a nobody in ...

December 15, 2012 | David McCoy | Columnists


My little boo boo

I skinned my knee today. I wasn't too smart, stepping out of the shower, realizing my towel was out in the hall, trying to navigate slick floors with wet feet. I moved across the floor and then I went down, slipping and skidding. Ouch! And when I looked at my knee, it was bleeding, and there were little bits of skin - little bits of me - that weren't attached to me anymore. Did I mention, "OUCH!" already? Just checking. I was in pain, and I felt stupid. Only little children skin their knees. Adults get ulcers and hernias; they ...

December 08, 2012 | David McCoy | Columnists


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