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Posted: April 15, 2014 10:00 p.m.

Tax time follies

By the time you read this, our annual day of taxation will have come and gone, and you’ll have already kissed your money bye-bye as you mailed the government your “fair share” of sweat and tears. But instead of dwelling on the rising tax rate or the marvelously insane tax code, let’s try to do something fun with this annual nightmare. Let’s imagine where our money is going!

I’ll bet that a smidgen of our tax money will buy some lucky guy or gal a new Mercedes. Of course, it won’t be handed over in an envelope marked “New Car Payment.” No, the money will be part of a foreign aid package for a potentate who’s sitting on cobalt, or tin, or maybe some of those really fancy mangoes we like to eat. We use foreign aid money to buy love although that sounds as practical as those ads that say, “Lonely Russian ladies want to meet you for immediate marriage!” Maybe we’ll eventually succeed with our “Can buy me love” dreams, but until then, that new Mercedes E-350 is probably going to someone who prefers shouting, “Death to America!” over “I love you, America!”

Some of the money will go towards other posh things too. Just think of all those state dinners where dignitaries suck down champagne and eat little jewels called canapés. That money came from us. And whenever the government funds something really exotic — like a study on wasted government studies — we pay for that too. We buy all kinds of things! Knowing that makes me feel like such a big shot! I almost want to puff on a cigar and get one of those little hats like Mr. Monopoly wears.

Lastly, we can’t forget the military spending. We live in The South, residing among the most armed residents in the country. Imagine the fun you’ll have when you tell your hunting buddies that you just went in halfsies on a helicopter gunship! Just try to find that kind of firepower at the hunting and fishing store!

Mercedes, champagne, canapés, helicopter gunships! No wonder the government needs more money. Just look how extravagantly you and I spend our money! Wait. No. That “you and I spend our money” part doesn’t sound quite right, does it? Let me think about this some more while I nibble on a few of these tasty mangoes we get from our overseas lovers. Kisses!

David McCoy, a notorious storyteller and proud Yellow Jacket, lives in Covington. He can be reached at davmccoy@bellsouth.net.

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