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Posted: November 10, 2010 12:30 a.m.

The man’s guide to the laundry room

The washer and dryer are two of the biggest and most dangerous machines anyone can own. So, why do most guys avoid the laundry room like they avoid a Tupperware party? I think it’s because most men don’t see the washer and dryer as "power tools." Well, that’s got to change. Our wives would appreciate some help with the laundry, so I’m going to teach you how to operate those gigantic monsters.

The washing machine has to be loaded before it’ll do anything useful. I know a few old boys who are like that too, but that’s not relevant to this lesson. To load the washing machine, grab a bunch of like-colored clothes, and don’t forget about the ones you hid under the couch. I’d start with a load of pure whites. Most underwear is pure white. At least it is when you first bring it home from Target. Shove your whites in the machine, pour in a capful of detergent, set the temperature on hot, and go watch TV for an hour. When the machine is finished, it’ll ding or buzz or bounce into the living room to tell you. If you open the lid and see pink underwear, you’ve made a pretty common, but fatal mistake. Unless you’re cool with wearing pink drawers at the gym, you should probably throw out the whole batch and head on down to Target before they close. While you’re there, buy your wife a new red camisole to replace the one you obviously grabbed when you searched under the couch. Don’t tell her about the pink clothes in the trash can. Just give her the camisole, wink, and keep your mouth shut. Trust me.

Operating the dryer is even simpler. Just put the wet, non-pink clothes in, and close the door. Set the timer for 60 minutes or so, and go back to your TV show. You’ll know the dryer has finished when it dings, or buzzes or starts pouring smoke into the living room. Unlike the washer, the dryer won’t bounce in to tell you it’s finished. Open the dryer door, grab all the nice, fluffy clothes and shove them into your closet. You can fold them if you want, but is that really going to matter? I mean, we’re just talking about underwear… clean, white underwear. It’s not like anyone’s going to notice. People only notice pink underwear, and you’ve already fixed that little mistake, haven’t you?

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