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Posted: August 11, 2010 12:30 a.m.

Delta’s ready when you are

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Lithuania has voted for independence from the Soviet Union. Other Soviet provinces want the same thing. The sweet wind of freedom is blowing.

OK, then. What about the South seceding again? I realize it didn’t work the first time we tried it, but the North wouldn’t fight fairly. As it is told, that great Georgian and Confederate, Robert Toombs, was trying to recruit men to fight for the South at the outbreak of the Civil War.

"Why, we can beat the Yankees with cornstalks," he told an audience. After the war, Toombs was running for governor. During a campaign speech a voice cried out from the audience, "We listened to you when you said we could beat the Yankees with cornstalks. That was a lie, so why should we believe you now?"

Toombs replied, "We could have beaten the Yankees with cornstalks, but the SOBs wouldn’t fight that way."

I won’t think there would be any hostilities if the South should decide to secede again.

If we did it in the winter, how could anybody who lives where it’s always blue on the weather map blame us? And any of the millions of Northerners who had the good sense to move South before the secession could gain their citizenship in the All-New-and-Improved South quite easily.

All they would have to do is agree to go to speech school and learn how to lose their Northern accents.

Think of what it would be like if the South broke away from the Union again.

No more heavy taxes to bail out decaying Northern cities. No more stupid federal regulators.

There would be a few things we’d have to argue to do in the spirit of becoming good neighbors with the North.

We would agree to be equal partners in the Persian Gulf – which is more than can be said about any other ally.

We would also agree to come to the North’s rescue in case it needed help for something like moving Philadelphia to somewhere in southern Illinois to make room for a parking lot when all the parking spaces in New York were taken.

I’d make Atlanta the capital for the South this time. Richmond’s too close to Washington.

I would want minorities to have a chance in all leadership roles.

The Atlanta Braves and Falcons wouldn’t to play the New York Mets or Giants anymore. The Falcons could play Tampa Bay every week and actually have a chance for a break-even season.

A man can dream, can’t he?

Lewis Grizzard was a syndicated columnist, who took pride in his Southern roots and often wrote about them. This column is part of a collection of his work.

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